I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.