I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess