Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this