The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?