[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip