Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Phones down.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
pls suprot