Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.