got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You Might Also Like
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.