Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.