[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.