Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.