Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
monday
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.