Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.