then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family