Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot