I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?