[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.