[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”