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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Only short people can save us
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.