The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.