Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Search History:
Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.