Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
You Might Also Like
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Great game to play with friends
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
This is the one
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.