Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen