Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Happy Caturday!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.