Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Got ya covered
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.