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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months