whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Camping tip: No.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
*jingles half the way*
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are