I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what