Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
fair
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.