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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.