My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
You Might Also Like
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.