I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame