ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…