Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.