I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
#TopTip
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.