i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside