@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

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@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

@bewgtweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

@rachiecandice

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@SkullfuckT

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

@isabelzawtun

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

@AndrewChamings

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.