People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
who wants to go expliring
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.