It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
You Might Also Like
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Venn
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
LOL
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
there has never been a better use of this meme
