Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.