It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.