Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it