I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
an airline just for babies.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?