I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You Might Also Like
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *