I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Ok but actually
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?