[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Feels like the fourth month in January
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”