16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
doing your own taxes
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱