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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
this is the best interaction on twitter
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Banana is the quietest snack
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?