why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before