Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”