When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet