My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me too
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts