*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.