me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[montage of me giving-up]
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN