Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Buying a well is money well spent.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The point of your 20s
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Time heals everything 🙂
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
fourth time’s the charm
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.